Brought Corey clothes yesterday! And he finally agreed to see me.

I was a bit standoffish at first. Then finally he said, "Do I get a hug?"

He's completely normal again. Thank God! No more hallucinations. Damn meds!

I've missed him. A LOT. I'm ridiculously attracted to him. Even in his haggard state. I couldn't stop touching him and kissing him. I was happy to see him, after all!!

I just hope they release him soon. They might try to reinstate a 72 hour hold and send him off to another city. Even though he's not a lunatic! I don't think they realize that every medicine he's ever taken has been LEGALLY PRESCRIBED. That's why I'm not a big fan of medications, even Tylenol. 

I wanted to wrap him up and take him home.

Anyhow, my Mom produced a valid point while we grocey shopped yesterday. I complained about this and that, about every bad quality Corey possessed. Thoroughly picked him apart. She stopped me. And uttered, "You're never going to be happy if you only dwell on people's flaws. Nobody is perfect. You will never find the perfect man. And he doesn't sound too terrible."

I haughtily scoffed, "I believe in perfection."

"Too bad you're the only one," she countered. "And he doesn't sound half bad."

She is so right. He's an upstanding fellow and I've fallen hard. 

I use complaints as a defense mechanism. Because if I admitted my true feelings, I don't think I could handle it. For instance, I'd rather blame the demise of my relationships on someone else rather than myself. Plus, it makes me feel better to bash men. Because I've been bashed on the head so many times. 

I'm kind of a man-hater. 

But I need to take a deep breath and try my hardest to focus on the good, rather than the bad. I need to stop overanalyzing.

I like Corey. Deeply. End of story.

I think I just need a hug...

The weather is gloomy, dotted with whispers of wind and rain. The sun hasn't punctuated the clouds since early this morning and my mood is spiraling down, down, down.

I've been in and out of the hospital all week. Corey is hallucinating due to his steady med stream. He's uttering nonsense and constantly talking to himself. I met his Mom. Under normal circumstances, I think we'd get along properly but I didn't have much to say to her. Although I think I won her over with my fake facade. Think sunshine Barbie on Prozac. 

Anyhow, I'm tired. I think it comforted Corey, somewhat, that I was there. He woke up, bewildered, every two minutes and scanned the room in terror. Once he settled on my face, he managed to settle his panic and close his eyes. Only to wake up again and repeat the same process. 

In his delirium, he mistook me for his ex-girlfriend, Shannon, twice. TWICE. I couldn't handle it anymore. I've been by his side as often as I can, but it really hurt my feelings. My Mom thinks it's fickle to sweat it. After all, he is loopy on God knows what medications. But nonetheless, it was painful to hear him utter her name in place of my own. I told him to get some rest and reminded him he could call me if he needed me.

He took me up on that offer. Several times. He was incoherent during every conversation. He even called me Phil, his buddy from high school, during one grey moment. He's so fuzzy and I just want him to get better. And stop calling me Shannon. 

I cringe just thinking about it..

Anyhow, the phone calls streamed from 10 PM to 4 AM and I answered patiently every time. And humored his accusations. He began getting paranoid, asked if I was talking to my ex-boyfriend. Which is so far fetched, because I've never kept in contact with an ex. EVER. What's done is done. I don't dwell. Once again, maybe he's confusing me with his ex-girlfriend. Should I be worried that he's not over her? Or just blame it on the medication? My Mom thinks I'm ridiculous and shouldn't think twice about it. After all, he's in a hospital, pumped full of crap. 

Eventually, I drifted into an alert sleep, which was cut short by yet another phone call. Two, as a matter of fact. From my best friend, Justina. I figured it was important, so I called her back and politely asked if I could call her in the morning. She screamed, "Fuck You!" 

Really mature. What a great girl, eh?

I called her back, baffled. 
"What the hell is your problem?" I inquired.

She yelled, "Fuck You," even louder and hung up on me. I'm still unsure as to what I did, but I'm not going to be a little bitch and ask. She needs to apologize before I even agree to speak with her. It's improper etiquette to call and harass somebody at 2 in the morning because you're in a pissed off mood and need an ear lent to you. I think she was peeved because I didn't answer. But that's no reason to violently curse at me with no explanation.

Fucking bitch. I love her to death, but she really demonstrates a lack of class sometimes.

My alarm clock rang at seven, due to my mammogram appointment. They conducted an ultra sound first, due to my lack of age, and decided the "lump" was benign and not worth examining further. I'm supposed to screen and monitor it monthly, but it's low risk. 

Congratulations to me! That was the highlight of my day.

Tried calling Corey's hospital phone. He didn't answer. I hope he's sleeping. They won't feed him or give him water because they need to run more tests. He's starving and parched and I hate to watch him in this state. If he calls me Shannon again, I don't know if I can handle it. I've brought him fresh clothes and toiletries and I get off at two so I'll head down to the hospital around that time.

I'm kind of drained. And the weather sucks.
I hate depression. I'll paint on my happy face in a little bit..
Right now, I want to sulk.

Corey's at the ER again. For stomach pain. And anxiety. I hate to publically disclose his problems, so that's the extent of what I'll divulge. But it worries me. SO MUCH. I've become sort of a crutch and I welcome the responsibility. It's my maternal nature, and I've grown an uncharacteristic attachment to his needs. I don't just need to help him, I actually want to. And trust me, I'm a pretty cold girl towards relationships, so this is scary. I generally separate "relationship" and "friendship" into different categories, but Corey is my friend and my lover. 

So I feel double the terror. 

Anyhow, I'm the manager of a mattress retailer. I'm the ONLY person in the store at all times. Therefore, leaving is out of the question. I'm rooted here all day and night, even during lunch. Corey phoned and asked if I could swing by and pick him up from the ER. Plus, his anxiety was practically crippling his sanity. He could hardly mumble sensible thoughts. God, it's so worrisome! I called my boss and there's no glimmer of hope for early release. Meaning, I can't leave until 9 PM and it's only noon!! 

I'm literally sick with worry. 

Anyhow, my biopsy results came back. Flagged as minor. Only mild dysplasia. What a relief. 

By the way, I haven't engaged in sexual intercourse with Corey yet. Only light foreplay. Partially due to circumstance. He's been sick and I had been worried about my biopsy. But we discussed sex, as well. And deemed it better to hold off. Which isn't common in our past relationships. But I think we're both on the same page when it comes to the way we feel about one another. It's still so fresh and new, but there's this tangible connection. A bond. 

My bank account is dwindling due to late fees. I hate the fact that I just got paid and they raked over a hundred dollars from my colorful abundance. Fuckers. 

I need new tires for my car. A singular apartment (I don't want roommates!) A winter wardrobe. New shoes. A haircut. Acryllics. Blah, blah, blah. Life is expensive.

Although life is certainly rich these days! I can't help but smiling. I feel less bi-polar than ever, and more stable.  

Woke up late this morning. Accidentally slept in after I hit "off" on the alarm clock, rather than "snooze". Oops.

Fortunately, got to work right on time. 

While mindlessly perusing the internet, it kind of hit me. I'm scared. I feel pretty intensely about Corey. This doesn't happen to me. Honestly, I don't ever meet guys and click right away. I pretend to, but in the back of my mind there's always nagging uncertainty. I don't have that with him. The uncertainty, it's eliminated. In place of it is fear. 

We've promised to take it day by day. And we haven't even had sex yet. Nor do we plan to for a while. It's comforting to know that I have such an intense connection with someone I'm not even sexually involved with. I know that it's not just misconstrued lust. Although our attraction is tangible. Mmmhmm. 

I've been putting in a lot of work hours. 
Halloween is creeping around the corner. I work open to close, which sucks. I was looking forward to seeing my little brothers and sisters in their Halloween costumes. Adam is going to be the black Spiderman. Michael's costume is a police officer. Christina is going to be Hannah Montana. My Mom & me browsed the costume section at various stores but sizes weren't reliable and a lot were sold out. So I have to run over some skirts and T-shirts that fit the "Hannah Montana" profile. We bought her a blond wig and some bangles. The kids are going to be adorable!! 

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c281/superslut6969/2002947.jpg

:)
I'm not dressing up this year. Last year I bought a revealing maid costume from Triangles. I'll recycle it if need be, but I don't know if I'm doing anything to celebrate. Besides handing out candy to late night trick-or-treaters.

Geez, I'm boring.

I'm smitten. With Corey. Yeah, it's nice.

:) 
I even like his puppy, Penelope. She's a pain in the ass, but so adorable.

I know it's still soon and I don't want to jinx anything by moving too fast. Or jeopardize it by exclaiming how happy I am so far. But he stopped into work unexpectedly to bring me muffins & coffee, and I've been smiling ever since. 

In other news, my biopsy results haven't came in yet. I hope that points in a good direction. I feel relieved because I hear it's a very common thing. My close friend, Sarah, even had a colposcopy & biopsy. Nowadays, she's happily pregnant, regularly examined, and normal. 

Well, that's all for now, I suppose.
:)

Broke up with Ben. 

Told him we lacked communication which is essential for relationship growth. He said he was sorry, but I don't think he knew quite what he was apologizing for..
So, we're officially over.

Going on a date tonight. With Corey. 

I kind of hate my apathy. I don't really feel much when I sever ties. 

I go through men like toilet paper. 

My new fetish is serial monogamy. I'm a very independent girl. But I love being in a relationship. For the sheer purpose of having a boyfriend. It's easier to make excuses that way.
"Well, I would, but me & my boyfriend have plans." Or, "I'm sorry. Can't talk right now. The boyfriend is calling."

And it gives me a thriving social life. Never bored and lonely when you have a warm body next to you. 

Wow, I am cold. I keep wishing that Prince Charming will ride in on his horse and prove to me I'm not a heartless bitch. Hell, who am I kidding? I'll settle for a knight in shining armor.

Sorry I've been slacking on my letters, pen pals!!! I normally respond the day I receive! But I've been SWAMPED at work. Today & tomorrow we're having our breakfast bonanza. So far, I've only had TWO customers total, which is a lot lower than I projected. I wanted swarms of people to show up. I DO work on commission! Although if my numbers drop, I get put on hourly. 

Anyhow, I don't have any notebook paper with me. I searched the whole store and all we have is copy paper. So I had good intentions! I've already written half a letter on notebook paper..so forgive me if half your letter is on notebook paper, and the other half is sloppily scribbled on copy paper! :) 

My Dad called this morning. I'm kind of home sick. At the same time, I'd never move back to Arizona. But I'm craving a brief visit. 

Me & Ben are "on the rocks" in my mind. Maybe I should give him the memo. I just can't be with somebody who doesn't entice me. But at the same time, I don't want to end it. Because I hate bruising people's feelings. And he's so fragile...! 

I met a guy. It sounds horrible, I know. I don't cheat, but I sometimes stray. Mentally, that is. 

His name is Corey. He knows I'm in a relationship, so we decided to meet for food. Not a date, mind you. He hadn't shaved in weeks, which gave him a scruffily handsome appeal. Anyhow, it went well. Until he contracted food poisoning and I had to sit in the ER while he continuously convulsed due to violent chills and frequent vomit spells. 

Corey called me a couple of times yesterday. And thanked me for driving him the emergency room. I think he's beginning to fancy my company. 

I rarely see my boyfriend. He surprised me by showing up at my work yesterday. For about ten minutes. He seemed more chipper than usual, and I liked it.

Ballin!! 

Not really, but I did get paid yesterday.

Minutes ago, a young woman drifted into my store. She was selling healing jewelery. I bought fourty dollars worth of amethyst. I don't even wear jewelery.

Anyhow, the bracelet occupies my wrist now. It cultivates psychic ability and promotes health. Plus, it's pretty. 

The girl was from Nepal. We exchanged conversation. She told me that I'm pretty enough to be a model. She spoke fragmented English, but very understandably. I took an instant liking to her. I'm an easy customer, the kind one wants. Because one can lure me to buy anything, regardless of my budget. 
I accepted her email address and plan on writing to her. 

I'm discouraged about school. Out of state tuition is nuts! I think I'm going to major in English, rather than journalism. I can do more with an English degree. Although a substance abuse counselor occupation allures me. I'm very passionate about people and their well being.

My best friend is going to be a flight attendant. She wants me to accompany her in her conquest. I'm chewing it over, although I doubt I would ever go through with it. The pay is good for someone of my caliber. No college degree, under twenty-one. Folks, I'm only 18! A flight attendant would be a suitable job! I could travel, write, make more money than I'm making now. And really, really analyze my options. 

Plus, what am I doing in Wisconsin? I don't belong here.

Ben's certainly not providing me with an adequate reason to stay. All we do on the phone is breathe. And it's not a comfortable silence. It's a bored, pregnant pause that lasts and lasts. I don't know if he'll ever develop conversational skills and I'm sick of one-sided dialogue. I want somebody a little bit more alive. His dullness drains my enthusiasm. Our relationship is a waste of time, it's pathetically dwindling away. And yet, at the same time, I don't want to tack another failure onto my list. And rouse rumors of inadequacy. 

I'm never enough.

What a little pessimist, I am. 
Actually, I find the glass of half full. Life is brilliant. I want to grip it's rope and swing as fast and far as it'll allow. 

I don't think Wisconsin is the extent of life's rope. 

In Wisconsin's defense, I'd miss my Mom and siblings. Terribly. No, worse than that. I love them so much. They're my life. 

**Right as I was about to click the "post" button, Ben called. And we had a better-than-usual conversation. Minimal silent breathing. You see, life is funny that way. I retract my previous complaints. Almost.**